I11: DEAR MAN

Asking for what you want can be awkward. Saying no? Even harder. And trying to stand up for yourself without blowing up or shutting down? That’s a real emotional obstacle course.

This is where DEAR MAN comes in. It’s one of the most powerful tools in DBT’s interpersonal effectiveness skillset. If you struggle with people-pleasing, passive communication, being too aggressive, or just don’t know how to speak up, DEAR MAN gives you a roadmap.

It’s a formula that helps you get your needs across clearly, respectfully, and confidently. It can be used in all kinds of situations, from asking for a raise to setting a boundary with a friend to requesting help from a partner. It’s not about manipulation or getting your way every time. It’s about being effective. Saying what needs to be said, in a way that others can hear it.

Let’s walk through what DEAR MAN stands for and how to use it.

D – Describe
E – Express
A – Assert
R – Reinforce
M – Mindful
A – Appear confident
N – Negotiate

The first four letters (DEAR) are what you say. The last three (MAN) are how you say it.

Let’s say your partner was supposed to handle the laundry, but it hasn’t been done, and you’re feeling frustrated about it

D – Describe the situation

Stick to the facts. What happened? What’s the issue? Keep it simple and objective. Leave out judgments or assumptions.

Example: “We agreed to split the chores, but I’ve been doing the laundry the past three weeks.”

E – Express your feelings and opinions

Let the other person know how the situation is affecting you. Use “I” statements, and avoid blaming or attacking.

Example: “I feel overwhelmed and taken for granted.”

A – Assert your needs or ask clearly

Say what you want or need. Be direct, not vague.

Example: “I’d like you to start alternating laundry weeks again.”

R – Reinforce why it matters

Explain the benefits of your request, for both of you if possible. You can also express appreciation.

Example: “It would help me feel more supported, and things would probably go more smoothly between us.”

M – Mindful

Stay focused on your goal. Don’t get pulled into side arguments or distractions. If the other person gets defensive, don’t spiral. Stay on topic.

If needed, repeat your request calmly. This is called “broken record.”

Example: “I hear you, but I’d still like to talk about splitting the chores.”

A – Appear confident

You don’t have to feel confident, just act it. That means:

- Steady eye contact
- Calm tone
- Clear posture
- No trailing off or apologizing for your needs

N – Negotiate

Be willing to compromise. Offer options or brainstorm together. If the other person says no, ask what they can do.

Example: “If you really hate doing laundry, would you rather handle dishes while I do the clothes?”

Negotiation makes the conversation collaborative, not confrontational.

Situation: You need your roommate to turn down the TV during your work calls.

DEAR MAN in action:

Describe: “Hey, when you have the TV on loud while I’m on calls…”
Express: “I feel anxious and distracted.”
Assert: “I need it to be quieter during my work hours.”
Reinforce: “It’ll help me stay focused, and we’ll avoid tension.”
Mindful: Stay focused even if they roll their eyes.
Appear confident: Keep your voice even and calm.
Negotiate: “Maybe we can agree on volume hours or use headphones?”

What if I feel like I’m being too demanding?

You’re not. DEAR MAN is not about steamrolling. It’s about being respectful and clear. You’re allowed to have needs. Everyone is.

What if the other person gets defensive?

That’s why “Mindful” and “Negotiate” are part of the skill. You can’t control their reaction, but you can stay calm and keep the conversation grounded.

Do I need to follow every single step every time?

Not always. In casual settings, you might skip or combine steps. The point is to communicate effectively, not follow a script.

Can I use this in texts or emails?

Yes. It’s great for writing too. Just make sure your tone stays respectful and clear. Avoid sarcasm or passive-aggressive hints.

What if I try this and still don’t get what I want?

You won’t always. But DEAR MAN helps you express yourself with clarity and integrity, which builds self-respect and assertiveness over time.

What if I freeze up or forget what to say?

Try with GIVE or FAST(which will be discussed later) beforehand. These Interpersonal Effectiveness skills can help you stay calm, respectful, and confident, even if your words stumble. Practice builds fluency.

What if I feel too overwhelmed to even ask?

Start with emotion regulation. ABC PLEASE can help lower emotional intensity so you feel more grounded when it’s time to speak up.

What if I’m afraid they’ll be mad at me?

Fear of conflict is real. But remember, boundaries aren’t mean. Pair DEAR MAN with Middle Path (from our supplementary lessons) to hold space for your needs and theirs. It’s not either/or.

If you have any behavioral health questions or concerns, please talk to your healthcare or mental health care provider. This article is supported by peer-reviewed research and information drawn from behavioral health societies and governmental agencies. However, it is not a substitute for professional behavioral health advice, diagnosis, or treatment.