M3 Internal vs. External Events

A big new social event is coming up. You are overwhelmed with the upsetting thought of how this new group of people will perceive you. Does your tone sound right? Do you play your part well? Do you say all the right things? Preoccupied with the way you present yourself, you don't even communicate with them truly. The social anxiety that you felt starts growing bigger because of your preoccupation with it. The event ends and you are just relieved that the stress has ended.

Maybe you are just the opposite way. You are immersed in everything that's happening around you, and you don't really know how you feel about this big social event, you don't know what your thoughts are on the small talk you always make with the others. You go along with the external events without being aware of how you feel about them, and you continue avoiding or ignoring your emotions.

Being both too internally or too externally oriented can be a problem if you struggle with regulating your emotions. If you are too aware of your inner experiences, you may amplify the psychological pain you feel. Or if you are externally oriented, the emotion-avoiding approach may lead to issues such as anxiety or depression. This exercise can help you reach a balance between the inward and outward focus, thus helping you regulate your emotions better.

The point of this exercise is to practice more of what you don't usually do and balance out the focus on internal and external events. If you are a person who pays more attention to the internal events, then you will practice observing the external events in the environment. On the other hand, if you are predominantly externally oriented, then you will practice shifting your attention to the events inside you.

Step 1: Are You More Internally or Externally Focused?

First, you need to figure out if you have predominantly external or internal orientation, i.e. if you pay more attention to your internal events or to the events in the environment. Try to think about what you usually do in an average situation.

The following checklist will help you do that. Check off the statements apply the most to you.

I usually pay more attention to:

My thoughts
Emotions
Physical sensations
Urges
Images, memories
--------
What I see around me
Different smells
Sounds around me
People around me
The environment around me

If you checked mostly with the statements on the top half of the list (thoughts, emotions, sensations, etc.) that means that you are predominantly internally oriented person. In this case, continue with PART A) of the second step.

If you checked mostly statements on the bottom half of the list (what you see, hear, the environment, etc.) that means that you are probably more externally oriented person. Continue with PART B) of the second step.

Step 2: Awareness Of Internal Or External Events

PART A) Bringing Awareness To External Events

Spend about 10 minutes in total on PART A).

Start the exercise by sitting comfortably. Try to direct your focus to the environment around you. After paying attention to the environment from a seated position, stand slowly and become aware of the space around you. How big is the room that you are in? How much space does your body take from the room? Move slowly for another minute, breathe deeply and continue focusing on the spatial aspect of the room around you. If your thoughts shift to something else, just gently bring your focus back to the exercise. Next, sit again, and continue the exercise from seated position.

Bring your awareness to the things you see around you. Is the room well lit or dim? Is it small or spacious? Does the sunshine enter the room or is it lit by a lamp? Look at the colors of the walls. Are they bright-colored or darker? Look at the objects around you. How do they look? Bring your visual attention to the things in front of you, behind you and on your sides. Look up and down. If you get distracted by thoughts, gently and without judgment bring your attention back.

Next, try to bring your attention to the sounds around you. Is the room quiet? Can you hear distant sounds from the street or the other rooms around you? Listen to sounds that are louder, and then try to hear the more quiet ones. If you are in a room that is very quiet, try to hear the background sounds. Listen to sounds that are near you and to the ones that are more far away.

Bring your attention to your sense of smell. Can you sense a certain smell in the space that you are in? Or there is no particular scent to it at all? Maybe you can feel a vague scent from the laundry detergent or your deodorant or perfume. Maybe you can sense the smell of a piece of fruit that you have in the room, or your cup of coffee. Is there perhaps an unpleasant smell in the room? Be aware of anything that you might feel with your sense of smell.

Try to be aware of the totality of the environment around you. Without prioritizing the different sensations, try to integrate them and be in tune with the external events around you.

Reflect and write down your experience. This journaling of your experience makes all the exercises more impactful. You can print out the worksheet below.

PART B) Bringing Awareness To Internal Events

Spend about 10 minutes in total on PART B).

Find a comfortable seated position and bring your awareness to the thoughts that your mind is thinking. Don't get attached to them, just note how they enter and leave your mind. Try not to be reactive to the content of your thoughts. Simply notice them. Maybe you will notice that your mind is particularly fast in coming up with new thoughts. Perhaps you have a slow day or are a little tired and you don't have as many thoughts. Whether the quality of the thoughts is pleasant or unpleasant, just accept this and non-judgmentally keep being aware of your thinking mind.

Next, try to bring your attention to any emotion that you are feeling. What is the underlying mood that you have today? Are you experiencing any strong emotions? Whether you feel content, calm, happy, or a little sad or anxious, just observe this internal event and accept whatever may occur in you. Maybe you will detect a physical aspect to your emotion. If you feel anxiety, you may have a nervous stomach or sweaty palms. If you feel sad, maybe you will notice that your body feels tired.

Now, bring your attention to any physical sensations or urges that you may feel. How does your body feel today? Is it rested or tired? Can you sense any discomfort or bodily tension? Perhaps you feel refreshed and well rested. Whatever sensation that you might observe in yourself, greet it with acceptance and continue observing the rest of your body. Can you detect any physical need that you might have? Are you sleepy and tired? Are you a little hungry or full? Do you feel any other physical sensations or needs?

Write down your experience doing this exercise. A printable worksheet is below.

DBT Mindfulness: Internal vs. External Events Worksheet

I am not sure that I did the checklist right. How can I know for sure that I am internally or externally oriented?

Think about how you usually react in your day-to-day life. Are you usually aware of most of the things you feel, think and are not that focused on the things around you? That would mean that you are internally oriented person. On the other hand, if you rarely think about how you feel, what you think or the other internal events that happen inside you, then you are probably externally-oriented person.

I got equal number of checks on both the internal and external lists. What part of step 2 should I do?

If you got equal number of checks on both lists that might mean one of two things: you either pay approximately equal amount of attention to both the external and internal events, in which case you can choose to do either part first and then next time you can do the other one. For example, the first time you can try part A, and the next time part B. If you are not sure and don't really feel like you are equally oriented towards the internal and external events, then think about it a little more and try to be as honest with yourself as possible. Do the checklist again, there are no wrong or right answers.

How will this exercise help me regulate my emotions?

If you are predominantly oriented towards the internal events, that might mean that when you feel strong emotions you make them even stronger by focusing solely on them. Shifting your focus to the external environment might change your perspective and decrease your level of distress. In contrast, being mostly aware of the environment might mean that you avoid or ignore your emotions, which can equally contribute to emotional distress. This is why the attention-balancing in this exercise will help you be more emotionally grounded.