What GIVE means
G – Be Gentle
I – Act Interested
V – Validate
E – Use an Easy manner
This skill helps you connect while still standing your ground. It’s especially useful when your goal is to maintain the relationship, not just win the argument.
How to do GIVE Skill
Step One: G – Be Gentle
Don’t attack, threaten, or blame. Keep your tone calm and your body language relaxed. Being gentle doesn’t mean being passive. It means not escalating things unnecessarily.
Avoid sarcasm, rolling your eyes, or shutting down. Don’t “dig for guilt” or use ultimatums.
Example: Instead of “You never help out around here,” try “It would really help if you could take care of the dishes tonight.”
If things get tense, take a breath before responding. Your calmness will set the tone.
Step Two: I – Act Interested
Even if you’re upset or disagreeing, show that you care about the other person’s point of view. This means listening, not interrupting, and making space for their perspective. Use open body language. Nod occasionally. Ask questions. Try to stay present instead of mentally preparing your rebuttal.
Example: “I hear you’re feeling stressed about work, that makes sense.”
This doesn’t mean you have to agree. It just means you’re showing basic respect.
Step Three: V – Validate
Acknowledge the other person’s feelings, even if you don’t like how they’re acting. Validation helps people feel seen and understood, which lowers defensiveness.
Validation sounds like: “I get why you’d feel that way.” or, “That must have been frustrating.” or, “I can see how that upset you.”
This step alone can soften a conversation dramatically.
Step Four: E – Use an Easy Manner
Stay approachable. Be warm if you can. Use humor (if it fits). Relax your face, your voice, and your posture. Even in tough conversations, small things like a soft tone or a slight smile can keep things human. You can also use casual language if it helps the message land better. Formal doesn’t always mean effective.
Example: Instead of “We need to have a serious talk,” try “Hey, can we chat for a second about something that’s been on my mind?”
This makes it easier for the other person to stay open.
Applying GIVE to Your Life
Situation: You want to ask your friend to stop canceling plans last minute.
Using GIVE:
G: “I’m not upset, and this isn’t an attack, just want to share how I’ve been feeling.”
I: “I know your schedule has been wild lately, and I want to understand.”
V: “It makes sense that you’ve been overwhelmed, it’s a lot to juggle.”
E: “Can we figure out a way to make our plans work better for both of us?”
This approach makes it easier for the other person to hear you without feeling defensive or shut down.