DEAR MAN meaning
D – Describe
E – Express
A – Assert
R – Reinforce
M – Mindful
A – Appear confident
N – Negotiate
The first four letters (DEAR) are what you say. The last three (MAN) are how you say it.
DEAR: What You Say
Let’s say your partner was supposed to handle the laundry, but it hasn’t been done, and you’re feeling frustrated about it
D – Describe the situation
Stick to the facts. What happened? What’s the issue? Keep it simple and objective. Leave out judgments or assumptions.
Example: “We agreed to split the chores, but I’ve been doing the laundry the past three weeks.”
E – Express your feelings and opinions
Let the other person know how the situation is affecting you. Use “I” statements, and avoid blaming or attacking.
Example: “I feel overwhelmed and taken for granted.”
A – Assert your needs or ask clearly
Say what you want or need. Be direct, not vague.
Example: “I’d like you to start alternating laundry weeks again.”
R – Reinforce why it matters
Explain the benefits of your request, for both of you if possible. You can also express appreciation.
Example: “It would help me feel more supported, and things would probably go more smoothly between us.”
MAN: How You Say It
M – Mindful
Stay focused on your goal. Don’t get pulled into side arguments or distractions. If the other person gets defensive, don’t spiral. Stay on topic.
If needed, repeat your request calmly. This is called “broken record.”
Example: “I hear you, but I’d still like to talk about splitting the chores.”
A – Appear confident
You don’t have to feel confident, just act it. That means:
- Steady eye contact
- Calm tone
- Clear posture
- No trailing off or apologizing for your needs
N – Negotiate
Be willing to compromise. Offer options or brainstorm together. If the other person says no, ask what they can do.
Example: “If you really hate doing laundry, would you rather handle dishes while I do the clothes?”
Negotiation makes the conversation collaborative, not confrontational.
Applying it in Real Life
Situation: You need your roommate to turn down the TV during your work calls.
DEAR MAN in action:
Describe: “Hey, when you have the TV on loud while I’m on calls…”
Express: “I feel anxious and distracted.”
Assert: “I need it to be quieter during my work hours.”
Reinforce: “It’ll help me stay focused, and we’ll avoid tension.”
Mindful: Stay focused even if they roll their eyes.
Appear confident: Keep your voice even and calm.
Negotiate: “Maybe we can agree on volume hours or use headphones?”