Virtual Coach
Work step-by-step through the Interpersonal Effectiveness exercise with the virtual coach.
The DBT DEAR MAN skill helps you assert your needs and set boundaries respectfully. We start by stating objective facts about a problem, then express your feelings, make a direct request, and practice negotiating.
1 Learn DBT DEAR MAN Skill
DEAR MAN meaning
D – Describe
E – Express
A – Assert
R – Reinforce
M – Mindful
A – Appear confident
N – Negotiate
The first four letters (DEAR) are what you say. The last three (MAN) are how you say it.
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DEAR: What You Say
Let’s say your partner was supposed to handle the laundry, but it hasn’t been done, and you’re feeling frustrated about it
D – Describe the situation
Stick to the facts. What happened? What’s the issue? Keep it simple and objective. Leave out judgments or assumptions.
Example: “We agreed to split the chores, but I’ve been doing the laundry the past three weeks.”
E – Express your feelings and opinions
Let the other person know how the situation is affecting you. Use “I” statements, and avoid blaming or attacking.
Example: “I feel overwhelmed and taken for granted.”
A – Assert your needs or ask clearly
Say what you want or need. Be direct, not vague.
Example: “I’d like you to start alternating laundry weeks again.”
R – Reinforce why it matters
Explain the benefits of your request, for both of you if possible. You can also express appreciation.
Example: “It would help me feel more supported, and things would probably go more smoothly between us.”
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MAN: How You Say It
M – Mindful
Stay focused on your goal. Don’t get pulled into side arguments or distractions. If the other person gets defensive, don’t spiral. Stay on topic.
If needed, repeat your request calmly. This is called “broken record.”
Example: “I hear you, but I’d still like to talk about splitting the chores.”
A – Appear confident
You don’t have to feel confident, just act it. That means:
- Steady eye contact
- Calm tone
- Clear posture
- No trailing off or apologizing for your needs
N – Negotiate
Be willing to compromise. Offer options or brainstorm together. If the other person says no, ask what they can do.
Example: “If you really hate doing laundry, would you rather handle dishes while I do the clothes?”
Negotiation makes the conversation collaborative, not confrontational.
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Applying it in Real Life
Situation: You need your roommate to turn down the TV during your work calls.
DEAR MAN in action:
Describe: “Hey, when you have the TV on loud while I’m on calls…”
Express: “I feel anxious and distracted.”
Assert: “I need it to be quieter during my work hours.”
Reinforce: “It’ll help me stay focused, and we’ll avoid tension.”
Mindful: Stay focused even if they roll their eyes.
Appear confident: Keep your voice even and calm.
Negotiate: “Maybe we can agree on volume hours or use headphones?”
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2 DEAR MAN Worksheet
Date & Time : …
FAQs
What if I feel like I’m being too demanding?
You’re not. DEAR MAN is not about steamrolling. It’s about being respectful and clear. You’re allowed to have needs. Everyone is.
What if the other person gets defensive?
That’s why “Mindful” and “Negotiate” are part of the skill. You can’t control their reaction, but you can stay calm and keep the conversation grounded.
Do I need to follow every single step every time?
Not always. In casual settings, you might skip or combine steps. The point is to communicate effectively, not follow a script.
Can I use this in texts or emails?
Yes. It’s great for writing too. Just make sure your tone stays respectful and clear. Avoid sarcasm or passive-aggressive hints.
What if I try this and still don’t get what I want?
You won’t always. But DEAR MAN helps you express yourself with clarity and integrity, which builds self-respect and assertiveness over time.
What if I freeze up or forget what to say?
Try with GIVE or FAST(which will be discussed later) beforehand. These Interpersonal Effectiveness skills can help you stay calm, respectful, and confident, even if your words stumble. Practice builds fluency.
What if I feel too overwhelmed to even ask?
Start with emotion regulation. ABC PLEASE can help lower emotional intensity so you feel more grounded when it’s time to speak up.
What if I’m afraid they’ll be mad at me?
Fear of conflict is real. But remember, boundaries aren’t mean. Pair DEAR MAN with Middle Path (from our supplementary lessons) to hold space for your needs and theirs. It’s not either/or.
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Disclaimer
If you have any behavioral health questions or concerns, please talk to your healthcare or mental health care provider. This article is supported by peer-reviewed research and information drawn from behavioral health societies and governmental agencies. However, it is not a substitute for professional behavioral health advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
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