I12: FAST Skill

Sometimes, standing up for yourself can feel like a trap. If you’re too assertive, you worry about hurting others or being labeled “difficult.” But if you back down too much, you lose your own self-respect, and the resentment creeps in.

That’s where the FAST skill comes in. FAST is a DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill that helps you say what you need without sacrificing your self-respect. It's about finding a middle ground between being passive and being aggressive.

FAST is especially useful in situations where you’re tempted to apologize for things that don’t require an apology, over-explain yourself, or people-please at your own expense. Think of it as your guide for holding your boundary without turning the conversation into a battle.

Let’s break down what FAST stands for and how to use it.

F – Fair
A – No Apologies (for existing)
S – Stick to your values
T – Truthful

This skill is about how you carry yourself in tough conversations, especially when it’s tempting to fold.

F – Fair

Being fair means treating both yourself and the other person with respect. It’s not about giving in or "keeping the peace." It’s about being honest and calm and avoiding exaggeration or manipulation.

Stay aware of your tone, body language, and words. Avoid blaming or assuming, but also don’t sugarcoat things at your own expense.

Example: “I know you’re upset about the missed deadline, and I want to explain what happened clearly.”

A – No Apologies(unless one is really needed)

This doesn’t mean you should never say sorry. But don’t apologize for having a need, setting a boundary, expressing an opinion, or simply taking up space.

Avoid phrases like:
- “I’m sorry to bother you…”
- “I know I’m being annoying, but…”
- “I hate to ask, but…”

Try this instead:
- “I’d like to talk about something important to me.”
- “I need to set a boundary here.”
- “Something’s come up, and I’ll need to reschedule.”

S – Stick to Your Values

When you feel cornered or uncomfortable, it’s easy to say something just to smooth things over. But that short-term comfort usually leads to long-term regret. FAST encourages you to stay true to your values, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Ask yourself:
- What matters most to me in this situation?
- Am I being honest with myself and others?
- Am I acting out of fear or integrity?

Example: You’re asked to do something that doesn’t feel right. Instead of saying yes out of guilt, you say, “That’s not something I’m comfortable with.”

T – Truthful

Be direct. Don’t exaggerate, twist the facts, or lie to protect someone’s feelings. That kind of dishonesty usually leads to resentment or drama later. Truthful doesn’t mean blunt or cruel. It means clear, grounded, and real. Avoid manipulation (like guilt trips or passive aggression). You can be kind and honest at the same time.

“I don’t have the bandwidth for this right now” is truthful.

“Ugh, no one ever helps me anyway, so whatever” is not.

Situation: Your coworker keeps putting their work on your plate and acting like it’s no big deal.

Using FAST:

Fair: “I know things are busy for both of us.”
No Apologies: “I can’t take on any extra tasks right now.”
Stick to Your Values: “I value fairness and clear boundaries at work.”
Truthful: “If I keep covering for you, my own deadlines suffer.”

You stay respectful, but you don’t cave.

Does this mean I should never say sorry?

Not at all. If you’ve hurt someone or made a mistake, apologizing is important. But don’t apologize for existing, asking for space, or having a different opinion. FAST is about not apologizing when you’ve done nothing wrong.

What if I feel guilty sticking to my values?

That’s normal, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing. FAST helps rewire that reflex. Start small, and give yourself credit each time you speak up honestly and respectfully.

Do I need to follow every single step every time?

Not always. In casual settings, you might skip or combine steps. The point is to communicate effectively, not follow a script.

Is FAST useful for conflict with loved ones?

Yes, especially if you're prone to backing down or over-explaining. It helps you stay kind and grounded, even during emotional conversations.

What if the other person gets upset anyway?

You can’t control their reaction. Your job is to communicate clearly and with integrity. FAST helps you stay calm and self-respecting, no matter how the other person responds.

How do I know if I’m being honest or just reactive?

Use STOP from Distress Tolerance to pause before you respond. Then use Wise Mind to help you speak clearly without reacting impulsively.

What if I want to be honest but I don’t know how to say it?

Try the next lesson, GIVE, to express yourself gently and respectfully. It helps when you want to be kind without sugarcoating or avoiding your truth.

What if I’m not sure what my values even are?

Check out the Life Worth Living lesson in the supplementary section. It helps you figure out what really matters to you so you can speak and act with more clarity and confidence.

Can I use FAST even when I'm the one who messed up?

Yes. FAST teaches self-respect, which means being honest about your mistakes without over-apologizing or tearing yourself down. You can also use Radical Acceptance when guilt or shame shows up.

If you have any behavioral health questions or concerns, please talk to your healthcare or mental health care provider. This article is supported by peer-reviewed research and information drawn from behavioral health societies and governmental agencies. However, it is not a substitute for professional behavioral health advice, diagnosis, or treatment.