S1: Understanding Dialectics

Ever feel stuck in an argument where both sides feel kind of true… but totally opposite? Sometimes, it feels like you have to choose a side, and it feels overwhelming. That’s where dialectics comes in.

Dialectics is the core philosophy behind DBT. It’s the art of holding two truths that seem to contradict, and finding the truth in both. It helps you break out of all-or-nothing, black-or-white, “I’m right, you’re wrong” thinking.

Instead of saying “either this or that,” dialectics invites you to say, “This AND that.”

“I can feel sad AND still move forward.”
“You can be mad at me AND still care about me.”
“I am doing my best AND I need to change.”

This idea might sound small, but it’s huge. Practicing dialectical thinking makes you more flexible, more grounded, and better at solving real-life problems without getting emotionally stuck.

Let’s walk through how it works.

Dialectics is a fancy word for three basic ideas:

1. Everything is connected.
2. Change is constant and unavoidable.
3. Two seemingly opposite things can both be true at the same time.

This means your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and relationships aren’t black-and-white. They’re fluid, layered, and often messy. And that’s normal. DBT uses dialectics to help you balance between two core ideas: Acceptance AND Change.

You accept where you are AND you work to grow. Not one or the other. Both.

Dialectical thinking helps when your brain feels trapped in one extreme. Start by noticing the kinds of rigid thoughts that pop up in emotional moments.

Common examples:

“If I can’t do it perfectly, I shouldn’t try.”
“They’re either with me or against me.”
“I’m either completely okay or totally broken.”
“If I set a boundary, they’ll leave me.”
“I’m either a success or a failure.”

When you hear yourself thinking in these extremes, pause. This is where dialectics can break the loop.

Try reframing those rigid thoughts using both/and language. This keeps your mind flexible, and gives you room to breathe.

Instead of: “I’m a failure because I messed up.”
Try: “I made a mistake AND I’m still learning.”

Instead of: “They hurt me, so they don’t love me.”
Try: “They hurt me AND they still care.”

Instead of: “I hate therapy, so it must not be working.”
Try: “I’m frustrated with therapy AND it might still help me.”

This is not about sugarcoating. It’s about making space for complexity. That’s where real change happens.

Dialectical thinking is especially helpful in interpersonal relationships. It keeps you out of blame mode and helps you listen without giving up your own point.

Instead of thinking: “They’re just being selfish.”
Try: “They’re overwhelmed AND their behavior affected me.”

Instead of: “I can’t speak up or I’ll lose them.”
Try: “It’s scary to speak up AND my feelings still matter.”

You get to honor your experience AND be open to theirs. That’s the middle ground where resolution can actually happen.

Isn’t this just being wishy-washy or indecisive?

Not at all. Dialectical thinking isn’t about avoiding decisions. It’s about seeing the full picture before making one. It helps you stay grounded and flexible, not rigid and reactive.

What if I can’t see both sides?

That’s okay. Start by acknowledging your truth first. Then ask, “What might be true for them?” or “What else could also be real here?” This takes practice. It’s a skill, not a switch.

Is this the same as agreeing with people I don’t like?

Nope. You can validate someone’s feelings without agreeing with their actions. Dialectics helps you understand without giving up your boundaries.

How does this connect to the other DBT skills?

Everything in DBT is built on this foundation. You learn to accept your reality AND change it. You learn to regulate emotions AND tolerate distress. Dialectics is the glue holding all the skills together.

If you have any behavioral health questions or concerns, please talk to your healthcare or mental healthcare provider. This article is supported by peer-reviewed research and information drawn from behavioral health societies and governmental agencies. However, it is not a substitute for professional behavioral health advice, diagnosis, or treatment.