Skills of Assertiveness Part 2

In the previous part, the last skill we worked on was negotiating - letting the other person understand that we recognize the fact they have their own opinions, emotions and needs that are validated by us. In this step, we will continue on this path and focus on getting information from the other person. This is one of the most important steps in this 6-step method of assertiveness.

Try to find out what the person opinions are, what they think, what their needs and fears are. Interpersonal effectiveness is about treating both yourself and the other person in a fair and respectful way. Note that we are often fast to make assumptions about the other people or be cognitively preoccupied with some of the fears we have ourselves. Try to be mindful and present at the moment. Be honestly curious towards the other person.

Think about a need that you want to communicate in an important relationship of yours and try to imagine how you would phrase this step. What would you say to find out where the other person stands? How would you get the information about their thoughts, emotions and needs?

Write this down in the worksheet.

Example

Ben tries to communicate to his boss that he almost never has enough time to take a break while at work. He already knows what he wants and he tries to convey that respectfully to his boss. Now, he is trying to find out how to phrase the getting information step. He plans on asking his boss the following questions:

What do you think about my request?
I am curious to find out what your thoughts are on this.

Assertively saying no to some of the requests that other people have is a useful tool to set healthy boundaries and to take care of your needs in the situation. Although it is very common for us to feel guilty about setting a boundary because we might be afraid that the others will get angry at us - this skill can be invaluable in protecting the relationship and maintaining a long-term quality.

Keep in mind that saying no in a way that is passive or aggressive will not convey the right tone and can prove to be damaging to the relationship. Think about the relationship from the previous step and try practicing saying no to some of the requests that the other person may have. Then write your answers in the worksheet.

Example

After Ben found out that the reason why his boss is reluctant to give him enough time for a proper pause from his working assignments, he proceeded by saying no and setting a healthy boundary:
"I understand that our company is in a competitive environment and that we are trying to get as much work as possible done fast. But, if I constantly feel overworked and tired, there is a real possibility for me to have a burnout and over time I will become less productive. I would love for us to work something out, so that I will be able to continue doing quality work."

There are two ways in which we can think about our values and morals when we are trying to communicate our needs:

1) our values in terms of what the honest motivation and reason behind our request is, and
2) our values in terms of what types of relationships we want to foster.

First, think about what values lie underneath the request you are trying to make. In order for you to be truthful and honest about the way you are communicating with the other person, it is useful to be mindful of this. Sometimes it can be something as simple as "Let's not have our lunch in the park because I have terrible allergies." Other times it might be something more complex than this. E.g. “Talking about my friend Sarah, behind her back, makes me feel uncomfortable.” What are your values in the situation you are working on? What is important to you ?

Also, try to think about what type of relationship you want to foster. Relationships with dishonest intents and motivations usually do not result in fruitful connections.

Example

Ben is trying to become mindful of what is important to him in the request he is making. Thinking about his values he discovers that his mental health is of great importance to him. He doesn't want to become resentful at work or to have a lower job performance. It is also important to him to not be aggressive or passive in the way he is communicating his request.