Instructions
Step One:What are the Opposites?
First, we have to get familiar with what the opposites of the usual emotional urges are. We will work on four emotions, since they have the most potential to lead to ineffective behaviors: anger, sadness, anxiety and shame. We won't focus on the positive emotions, because they usually lead to positive behaviors such as approaching others, being effective and motivated.
| Emotion | Urge | Opposite Urge |
|---|---|---|
| Anger | To verbally or physically attack someone | Being polite, more gentle or nice |
| Anxiety/fear | To avoid the anxiety-provoking situation | To remain in the anxiety-provoking situation |
| Sadness | To isolate yourself from others | To seek support and socialize |
| Shame | To hide from people or to avoid them | To approach others and share your thoughts (if appropriate) |
Step Two: Emotion and Effectiveness of the Emotional Urge
Now that you know what the opposites of the usual emotional urges are, there are two things that follow. First, when you find yourself in a situation where you experience overwhelming emotions, try to identify what it is that you are feeling. Next, think about whether expressing your natural emotional urge is useful and effective in the situation or not. For example, if you are depressed and you really just want to stay in bed the whole week and not see anybody, that would probably not be the effective solution. If you are very angry with your son's behavior, it probably wouldn't be a good solution to bluntly act on your anger and verbally attack him.
If after some consideration you've decided that your primary emotional urge is not the most effective path to take, then move on to the next step.
Step Three: Act Opposite
The idea behind acting the opposite of your emotional urge is to engage in this alternative behavior until your emotion eventually changes its quality or gets diminished. Although at the beginning this may not sound as the most natural thing to do, remember that the only reason why we feel like hiding ourselves when we are ashamed or avoiding the situation when we are anxious is because it feels right. But that is not a good enough reason to simply go with the behavior - what our feelings tell us is not always right, they are temporary and programmed mechanisms.
Check the table from the first step again, and try to engage in the opposite respective behavior. See what happens, experiment. Maybe you will really find that this is a strategy that works great for you!
Step Four: Repeat
It may take a little while to start feeling the effects of the new behavior, i.e. for the original emotion to change. This is why you should try and be persistent with doing the opposite action. Give this new strategy a little time.
Looking at this from the perspective of the wise mind, if this new opposite action is suitable and justified, it should feel right and intuitively appropriate.
Use the worksheet provided to write down how this exercise went for you.
Example
1. Situation: I should give a presentation at work, one for which I was preparing for two weeks.
2. Emotion and effectiveness of emotional urge: I feel very ashamed (emotion) and I find it really difficult to stand up in front of everybody and present my hard work. I am thinking about calling in sick and canceling the presentation (emotional urge). I've been working really hard for this and objectively it's probably not justified or useful for me to do this (effectiveness of emotional urge).
3. Acting the opposite way: I should probably go with the feelings of shame and performance anxiety and do the presentation even though I know it will feel uncomfortable. I should share my work because I worked hard.
4. Repeating: I felt really uncomfortable presenting my work and answering my colleagues' questions but at the end after I finished I felt relieved and I had a sense of accomplishment. It was not easy, but I am glad I did it.